A Year Old Blog…

Just got back from a three-day vacation in Vancouver. It is an amazingly beautiful city, a shining jewel in the Northern Pacific coast of Canada. I felt like calling it home. The people looked so peaceful, so relaxed. Not a single brow was furrowed with stress. In Vancouver people’s lives didn’t seem to be passing them by in a blur. Why would anyone want to live in the New York tri-state area after seeing places like Vancouver?

I took some time off from work last week. I spent the first half of the week escorting Munna Bhaiya around from Niagara Falls to New York City and the second half in Vancouver. It was an enjoyable week although I really missed Anoushka. I am never going to take another vacation without her (that is, as long as she is a child and doesn’t want to cut her poor Mom out of her life!). I want to spend so much time with her. I am missing out on so much. I should really try to find a way to clear all my debt and then learn to live on one income, for Anoushka’s sake.

I don’t know how long I will be able to carry on this way, working the hours I work and living through so many moments of loneliness where every member of my family is in a different place. It is a very trying period. I feel like I am growing old very fast and precious moments of my life are spiraling away, unlived. The sad thing is that I don’t even know what I would do to “live” these moments if they weren’t disappearing so fast. I can’t make a move in any direction until I find a way to define what I want for myself. It is easier when you are younger you think all you want is money. Then you grow old and find that money is not enough, money is not anything and happiness is not enough because it is a cliche. What is happiness? I think that is the biggest unanswered question. If it is-“wanting to laugh, or smile”- then I have that. I have a great husband, a wonderful daughter and a great sense of humor but I can’t call it my life’s goal. I still need a tangible, yet-to-be-defined goal and when I get there I hope to get there with my happiness and joie de vivre intact.

I keep thinking back to Steve’s speech. He asked the people he was addressing to be passionate about something. I am still giving that a lot of thought and haven’t honed in on any one thing that I am passionate about, that I can immerse myself in. I am certainly not passionate about this job. I love my family but everyone does and I am sure Steve didn’t mean love for one’s family when he urged to people to feel passionate about something. I am not devoted to any cause. I haven’t given any thought to what issues I could feel strongly about. I don’t have any all-consuming interests or hobbies. Yet I don’t really think people would find me boring or uninteresting. I am interested in several different things all at once. I want to be a photographer, a painter, a writer, a singer, a linguist, a small business owner, a golfer, a world traveler, a collector, an interior decorator, a gardener and even a gourmet cook. People who know me know that I am notorious for taking classes to learn new things. I have taken art classes, Yoga classes, Pilates classes, Judo classes, music lessons, French lessons, the list goes on. But I don’t excel in anything and I am not impassioned enough to pursue any of these interests in a single-minded fashion. Any single-minded, dedicated pursuit would bore me to death. I need to be interested in several different things at once. Then I end up frustrated because there is never any time to do anything and if I made time to do these things there wouldn’t be enough money to do these things. And so the loop runs on an on – running to make life worth living and consequently living a life where you are always running. No wonder people in the 1960’s felt that the best thing to do was to tune out, drop out etc.

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