An Epiphanous Day

Today while I was taking a walk in New York City I felt like I had an epiphany of sorts. Here is the chain of discontent that led to this feeling. I had been in a gray mood since last evening. I had been feeling out of sorts as if nothing was as it should be. As if everything was just a little bit off-keel or off-center.

What bothers me the most about my life is the lack of passion in it. Most people I know are passionate about something. They have intense feelings and emotions and are driven to do things. Where is my drive, where is my motivation? I feel I am not passionate about being a Mom, I certainly have not been a passionate wife, in any sense of the word, I don’t recall ever being passionate about any of my jobs. How can one live a contented life this way? It is not possible. A laissez-faire attitude gives one the false perception that one is a very calm and unperturbed soul. But it’s a façade. The fact that I am not feeling any pain, leads to my not ever feeling any real pleasure. Always comfortably numb. The quality that I envy the most in people is passion. I don’t “feel” enough. I have led a very shallow life. I can’t even remember the last thing that brought me extreme pleasure. I draw a blank on this every time I try to recall.

I have been happy, sporadically. These moments of happiness have never lasted too long. They have vanished in an instant. That is not to say that I’ve ever been depressed either. I have never felt intense sadness, nor do I ever want to. But I do want to be moved.

I have always whined about the things I wanted to do, the life I wanted for myself and I have always felt a sense of disequilibrium because I couldn’t get the things I thought I wanted. I thought I wanted to paint, I thought I wanted to sing, I thought I wanted to learn the martial arts, I thought I wanted to run a company and I thought I wanted to travel. I am not sure I want these things anymore. I just want to feel something, anything.

So, this was my epiphany. Something that has occurred to all wise men and women, through the centuries, at some given point in their lives. Learn to live for the present. Be passionate about all the people and projects that are in your life now. Don’t think about what was. Don’t think about what’s to come. Love your child the best you can, now. Do your work to the best of your abilities now. Be passionate about your marriage; re-align your priorities so that you are making a positive contribution in all areas of your involvement. This shouldn’t be easier said than done. This should be the easiest thing you’ve ever done because your present is the only thing you have total control over. “You” exist only in the present. The person you remember as “yourself” from a year ago, was a different person – thousands of cells have died and regenerated since that time. There has been total physical renewal. The person you are going to be tomorrow is a stranger. So you have to deal with who you are now. You have to take care of the person you are now, at this moment. Everything else will fall into place based on what you do now.

So I have to get more involved with Anoushka and her development. I feel like I’ve been on the sidelines with her. Simply fawning over her is not enough. I also have to spend more time with Anil. Our relationship needs something, I am not sure what. Lastly, my job: my personal feeling is that I have sleepwalked through every job I have had. The kudos I have collected along the way and the fact that most people get the impression that I always know what I am talking about makes me feel like such an impostor. I have just done the bare minimum to get by. In my heart of hearts I know this. I have never taken my work seriously enough. The fact that I’ve come as far as I have, and have managed to put myself in an enviable position, from the perspective of others, is a testament to my skills of deception. Until I start getting the feeling that I am giving my job everything I have got to give, the feeling of disequilibrium will persist. The moments when I have worked under a deadline and gotten things done, have, after all, been the most satisfying moments of my life. I need to repeat such moments several times.

I have to use the present moment, where I have full knowledge of my verve, vigor, energy levels and brain capacity, to forge my destiny. This is the only moment in time that manifests itself in certainty. So here it is. I am hoping that this moment in time, this epiphany, this realization, will be the lever along which the rest of my life hinges.

PASSION – I’ll find you yet.

2 Comments

  1. Oh hell, count one more imposter in, who is walking the streets, let loose to fool anyone who comes by…- Aradhita.

  2. the passages already display the passion you have in writing. I liked this piece as the mirroring of most of us feel today.


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