Just be

Sometimes a good scream works wonders. Perhaps it is a corrective mechanism, a purge of sorts. The infamous lung exertion has been followed by a sense of calm, a sense of confidence and acceptance. My present circumstances are a culmination of all the choices I’ve made for myself. It’s a chain of events, something that was put in motion several years ago and will come to its natural conclusion. Why store up angst, why complain and why expect sympathy from any quarters at all? It is so much easier and safer to just be.

It seems every now and then, perhaps once a year I realize the importance of just being. The very first post on this blog and the in fact the title of the blog, Epiphany, were a result of one such moment of realization. There was another, last year, where the sensation was close to a euphoria of sorts – that’s when I had written about the book – The Piano Tuner – I had found some connection between the storytelling in that book and my euphoric feelings, I had questioned it then, called it a mirage. These are moments of truth, glowing, reassuring moments. They are hard to describe except as a rain washed summer day, after a long dry season, when the leaves are still wet and glimmering but the sun is out. Everything seems washed clean.

This was another such day, a day of acceptance. If every moment of my day needs to be choreographed to the tee, so be it. That is the way it is.

I am reading John Fowles’s – The Magus these days. I am only half way through this intriguing and astonishing novel. Today I was reading about the character of Nicholas Urfe getting hypnotized by Conchis. There was a passage describing the effects of this hypnosis:

“…a kind of mental sun-bathing after a long dark winter, an exquisitely agreeable sensation both of being aware of light and attracting it. Of having power to attract and the power to receive light.

From this stage I moved to one where it dawned on me that this was something intensely true and revealing; this being something that drew all this light upon it. I mean it seemed to reveal something deeply significant about being; I was aware of existing, and this being aware of existing became more significant than the light, just as the light had become more significant than the wind. I began to get a sense of progress, that I was transforming, as a fountain in the wind is transformed in shape; an eddy in the water. The wind and the light became mere secondaries, roads to the present state without dimensions or sensations; awareness of pure being. ….

The reality was endless interaction. No good, no evil; no beauty, no ugliness. No sympathy, no antipathy. But simply interaction….Knowing, willing, being wise, being good, education, information, classification, knowledge of all kinds, sensibility, sexuality, these things seemed superficial. I had no desire to state or define or analyze this interaction. I simply wished to constitute it – not even “wished to” – I constituted it. I was volitionless. There was no meaning. Only being.”

I smiled when I came across this passage in the book. This is the direction in which my thoughts were leaning this morning when all morning activities were accomplished like clockwork and as I was settling into the comfort of my warm window seat in the bus, opening up The Magus to the last dog-eared page. I had just wanted to be. I had wanted to be a constituent in this drama of existence without any desire to define, state or analyze my condition. I had actually said to myself that if anyone cared to ask me how I was that day I would just say, “I am.”

And this is the way to be. Just be.

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