What Thoughts May Come

The last post is dated January 14th! Where have I been, hibernating?

I don’t have much to show for the missing 28 days, no thoughts or realizations of any consequence…perhaps a general sense of confusion where the mind is blank and there is no sense of what the next step needs to be.

I saw someone pulling frantically at a restaurant door that said PUSH… a common enough occurrence…when someone came up behind her and extended an arm to gently push the door open she said with a chuckle, “Where’s my brain today?”

We often ask that question, “Where is my brain today?” How does one explain that? Isn’t the brain indicating its presence by formulating and asking a question? Or is some other part of the body inquiring after the brain’s presence or absence? What is with the brain, how does it manage to be so self-referential? Or does it?

So my brain too is asking itself where it has been lately because I don’t get the real sense of having engaged it. Perhaps I am hooked up to a giant invisible machine that ensures I wake up, eat, sleep, interact with those around me and present an image of being really there while the brain is somewhere else, vacationing in Mustique. Maybe this machine has been programmed to occasionally inquire about the whereabouts and general well being of the brain.

This machine however isn’t good at forming lasting impressions. So I have no lasting recollection of the last 28 days; these days slid down to that place where days-gone-by go without leaving behind anything to hang on to. There is a vague sense of the weather being miserable, contributing to a general inertia and of trying to do things based on a ‘plan’. The plan called for the following:

  • Making an exercise and nutrition plan – or calendar based grid
  • Following the plan, checking things off as they got done
  • Making a work transition/plan or checklist for the job I was leaving
  • Sticking to the plan, checking things off
  • Creating a parenting plan – setting times for homework, play etc
  • Sticking to the plan
  • Creating a music training plan
  • Practicing per plan

So as you can see this giant invisible machine, to which I feel I am hooked up, likes to follow an entirely different kind of self-referential loop, one that gets me to plan to make a plan and then plan on working according to plan.

I miss my brain I need my vacationing brain to return so I can forget planning and live in the moment…really live in the moment.

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