Time is on your side…is it?

I wouldn’t call it an anxiety attack although an anxiety attack probably feels the same.  I wouldn’t even call it a panic attack; I had no reason to panic.  But the walls felt as though they were closing in on me.  I was ready to snap, to break beyond repair.  I showed no signs of this inner meltdown on the outside.  I was smiling at passersby and going about my business as I always do. 

Makes me wonder about the masks people wear.  What inner turmoil are we all hiding?

The only complaint I really have with my life is my work.  It is dull and uninspiring.  I can do it blindfolded.  And I don’t want to do it.  I want other alernatives to appear before me so that I can start living my life.  I want my 4 hour commuting time to vanish.  I want more time with my daughter.  I want to spend more time on my house.  And I want a place for quiet contemplation and writing.  Is that too much to ask?

I am afraid of swift change.  I am afraid of things changing on a dime, as they say (American idiom – the origins of which were never clear to me).  And yet change is the only constant.

I remember spending hours leaning on the balcony of the home where I grew up.  I was ready to fly.  I used to look around, trying to find new faces to befriend.  Everyone appeared to be amidst life while I waited endlessly.  As it turned out it was just a phase.  It soon passed.  In retrospect, all plateaus, all phases so far have passed.  They haven’t been permanent.  So there is no reason for this one to be permanent.  This too shall pass.  Of that I am sure.  The only uncertainty, and a terrifying one at that, given my stage in life, is the nature of the change to come.  What lies around the bend now?

In the past I had more years ahead of me.  Time was on my side.  Time is increasingly not on my side anymore.

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