Nothing: Part 10

It’s sad when even the posts about nothing seem impossible for several days. How much of a vacuum have I created around me?

I think a part of me felt as if it was being dragged into the new decade. I felt like a recalcitrant child, like my brother at the age of three or four when he expressed his displeasure at having to walk for a long distance by simply sitting down on the road and saying he wasn’t going to budge unless he was carried. I felt like screaming, “I am not done, I haven’t finished living this decade, I haven’t been able to do much of anything, I am not coming to 2010!” And here I am. Sulking as the new year gets older, as it vanishes before my eyes, making the passage of time even scarier than it was last year.

I am already imagining all the greetings that will sound exactly the same as they did this year, as they do every year. Some folks my age don’t even bother to spell it all out these days – HNY and SG is as far as they can bring themselves to go. Then there are some others who shame us all by actually finding a way to anchor the year in our memories with creatively personalized greeting cards that appear right on time and don’t feel generic.

There are the greetings that appear from one’s boss’s boss’s boss, with pictures of their wives and kids skiing in Aspen or surfing in Hawaii, with no message, just a signature faked by an assistant. I glance at them and wonder if they would even say a word to me or know I worked in the same company if I ran across them outside of the office building. But in the spirit of the season I assume they have my best interests at heart as I pin it up or tape it on the wall that displays the card. I even remember the one that arrived from the CEO of the company where I worked two or three employers ago. The greetings arrived after my job had been eliminated. It was nice to know she wished me well.

So here’s the new year then. 5 days old. I have 360 days to figure out what to do with myself this year. I didn’t make any resolutions; past years have shown that to be an exercise in futility. I do have fuzzy goals. There must be some knob I could turn to make them appear sharper, more focussed, more clearly resolved.

I’d better list some of them, or else they wouldn’t stand a chance at being realized:

1. Find a way to spend more time with Anoushka. Less whining about lack of time, more concrete action – whatever form that action takes.

2. Find out for sure if I can derive any pleasure from cooking and gardening. No luck so far.

3. Write something that doesn’t deserve the title – “Nothing”. This is fuzzy in the extreme. Hasn’t been backed by any concrete action so far.

4. Master the vibrato technique. How do they make their fingers vibrate on the violin?

5. Make my music practice sessions more productive; more right-brained, less left brained, rather, less hare-brained!

6. Go further along the path of lowering expectations from others, for instance:

– Not feeling even a twinge of envy when someone in the office receives a floral delivery for their special occasions. That twinge makes no sense because I am not a flowers person, neither is my hubby. Flowers die. I can’t even say, “You don’t send me flowers anymore”, because he never has! I’d rather he didn’t and I’d rather I didn’t feel like it would be nice to get them! Quite the exercise in lowering expectations this! I need to isolate it and define it in order to lower it!

– Watch movies or plays alone, dine alone or with friends who indicate they wouldn’t mind joining me, if the spouse is unwilling. This way we won’t have to come to blows about his fascination with Poker or football and mine with arts, entertainment and recreation. This might prevent high decibel conversations about our divergent interests that so defy 19 years of togetherness.

7. Celebrate, memorialize and anchor the small A n P n “Little A” area – if one pictures a Venn diagram with 3 sets. I need to do it more often, really “feel” that I am doing it. Maybe then I wouldn’t quite mind the “quicksilvery racehorse” passage of time.

1 Comment

  1. No matter what the reason or occasion might be, flowers say it the best. They are the best way to express our feelings and make your loved ones happy

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