Nothing:Part 18

Bad days are inevitable.  In every life some bad days must fall, we just have to train ourselves to take them in our stride, stay unruffled, unworried, especially when we are sure of ourselves.

Had to close my ears to hubby’s screams of frustation bright and early in the morning.  He didn’t think the snowfall was bad enough for me to ask him to drive me to my park and ride, especially when he had things to do and places to be.  He made me appear selfish and inconsiderate and let out his frustrations by pounding on the steering wheel and screaming at the other drivers on the road.  Funny how he kept asking if I wanted to be driven even further in order to catch up with the bus that I thought I might miss.  Even funnier how people take such pleasure in mind games like this.  The only reason he asked me if I wanted to be driven even further, was to test me, to see if I would say yes, so he could further underscore my selfishness and inconsideration.  The question was repeated despite my being content with waiting in the falling snow for 30 minutes while I waited for the next bus.

So could I have driven myself to the bus stop today? Was the snowfall manageable?  The answers are yes to both questions.  I wanted to borrow his keys and drive myself in his All Wheel Drive car, my car tends not to do so well in icy conditions. 

In my defense, I didn’t start my morning with behavior that might be construed as burdensome to him.  But when I asked for his keys he said that he needed to drop me off if it was snowing because he would need his car for his own drive.  As it turned out the snow was light enough, the temperature was above freezing and we ended up taking my car instead of his, since his car was blocked by mine.  So now it looked like:

  • the car we were driving was my inadequate one
  • the weather was fine
  • there was no reason for him to have chauffeuring duties

But when we were already half the way there and he started screaming and having a fit about his situation, what could I possibly have done? Should I have asked him to turn back so that he could get off at home and I could resume driving myself, wouldn’t that have cost him more time? Should I have genuflected and apologized for my crass behavior? What? So I just closed my ears, chose stoicism and silence.

The day got worse when the dodge ball that five bosses seem to be playing with one – employee – me – took on surreal proportions with the “direct line” boss saying that the other “dotted line” bosses had some concerns, the “dotted line” bosses denying everything and telling me that they’ve never once had an iota of concern!  And me appearing like a defensive and reactive moron simply because I was trying to share my perspective on things. 

I can’t function well enough in a senseless world where my perspective doesn’t count and my reasons for doing things a certain way, based on precedence, or prior arrangements don’t count.   I need direct dealing, and an environment that lacks political ramifications.  I have never been adept at dodging the ball in dodgeball.

The family tragedy forms a baseline drone to everything, the headache grows to gargantuan proportions on the eve of vacation that I was looking forward to before but the thought of which fills me with nothing but the shrill noise of trepidation in my head.

But in the grand scheme of things I am not a Chilean or a Haitian.  My heart goes out to them, my one bad day is so meaningless in light of all their tragedies.  I know my tomorrow will be different.  I also know that there are many friends and well wishers out there who will read this bit of whining.  They’ll be alarmed, they’ll be concerned about my well-being, my life, my reactions, my headache, my trepidations.  Some will tell me this too shall pass, some will offer hugs, some might even say, “Oh get over yourself!” 

Thank you all in advance for those reactions.  I love you all for caring.  But just know that I know my tomorrow will be different.  So many other days in my life will be different.  There will be happier moments, better circumstances, better days – filled with euphoria and a bounce in my step.

This day was just not one of them.

On the bright side, the hubby did send me a text saying he got to his meeting on time and that he is sorry for his “tude” this morning.  I’ll go home and tell him he was right he didn’t need to drive me and that I need to stop being so afraid of the snow and more self sufficient on snowy days.

Or…better yet…make a decision to change my life; warmer climes, easier commutes, be less like a workhorse, be more devoted to my interests and passions than to circumstances that ceased bringing me any joy a long time ago.

1 Comment

  1. choosing silence is perhaps the best option as you did rather than analyze a persons behaviour..wish you better days aheadhugsjyo


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