Nothing:Part 25

It’s very kind of people to read something I’ve written and then ask me why I am so blue or why what they read here had a thread of sadness running through it (wonder why I thought of the movie “A River Runs Through It” when I wrote about the thread of sadness).  The truth is, there is no sadness and in fact there is nothing to be sad about.  What comes across as sadness perhaps, is this sense of resignation…and resignation isn’t the right word either.  Let’s just say it’s placidity, at least on the surface of things.  Underneath, deep underneath the surface, what churns is a battle between acceptance, contentment, playing the hand one was dealt with panache, with wry, self-directed humor or rejecting it all in favor of something better, the clichéd search for more verdant abundance.  

The problem with being so connected on a virtual, social platform is the Rashomon like multiple interpretations of one’s state of mind by one’s peers and by one’s loved ones.  Out come the perenially positive advice givers telling me how tomorrow will be another day, how whatever I am feeling will pass, how to change my attitude to something more positive, more “happy” in their eyes.  Some quote the scriptures or the saints at me while I watch amused, thinking, that’s not it.  Some relate personal experiences where they were beset with worries and emerged unscathed.  I have already been to those places and have passed beyond.  

I have learnt valuable lessons from each experience and know now at this halfway point in life, that this is indeed life.  There are good days and bad and in the end there’s the mean that takes the high points and the low points into account.

Writing it all down is what helps me understand.  I never learnt anything from all my institutions of learning unless I wrote down my own version of the things I had read.  So in this blog I write how I feel,  I come here to “play Jesus to the lepers in my head” as I say at the very top of the blog.  It’s a recalibration of sorts.  It’s believing in myself and knowing that all of this, some version of it, has happened before and will happen again.  No smile ever stays frozen on one’s face and no sadness remains unmitigated.  

So if it all appears tinged with blue, perhaps I’ve been holding my breath a bit too long.  I am reminding myself to breathe and to just go on putting one step in front of another, addressing the concerns of the moment, nothing more, nothing less.

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