Stop playing in loops!

1. Ignoring or addressing the “Left Front Turn Signal Malfunction” notification that my car insists on announcing with an earth shattering “DINGGGG” every time I want to signal a turn or a lane change to my left.  I did park in front of a reflective surface at night just to see if the left front turn signal flashed when I wanted it to.  It did.  So is this “DINGGGG” a feature built-in by the manufacturers to make the repair shops at dealerships richer?

The car has also told me that my tires were flat or the dynamic traction control was off or that the steering fluid was depleted when it really wasn’t.  I need to stop thinking about the car that cries wolf.

2.  Thinking of traffic when I am stuck in traffic.  It just puts me in a horrible mood.  I should learn to just “roll” with it, or not, whatever the capricious traffic gods and goddesses want.  What is it that drives me crazy about this?  Is it that this phase of life refuses to pass? I am not the only one in the world who needs to travel 2-3 hours before arriving at the work desk.  I am not the only one who is creating this massive carbon footprint by burning millions of hours of gas, idling in traffic.  If my problem isn’t unique then the solution can’t be too unique either.  It is lurking out there, staring me in the face somewhere.  I just can’t see it.  Maybe if I wasn’t thinking about traffic when stuck in traffic – I’d see it?

3.  A certain someone.  I wish her well, always and will say HAMH any number of times, but I really don’t want to think about her anatomy and physiology.  I don’t want to worry about calling her, I don’t want to worry about what she’ll say when she calls me.  I don’t want to feel the muscles in my jaw, my neck, my shoulders tensing up when she’s talking to me, when all I can say is “Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh” while thinking I am not a doctor, I am not a psychiatrist, I am not a physiotherapist, I am not a chiropractor, I am not a gastroenterologist, I am not an osteopath, I am not a neurosurgeon – I really can’t help…really I am quite helpless…I wish I could help but I can’t.  I am sorry for your back, your legs, your thighs, your bones, your spine, your calves, your glutes, your skin, your scalp, your lipid levels but any possible cures are beyond the scope of both the halves of my brain. 

4. Obsessing about the time not spent with my daughter.  I can either take a chance in life and take whatever steps are necessary to find a way to spend more hours with her until her college going years or I can tell myself to believe she is strong, resilient, a millennial kid, a compassionate kid who will not remember me as an indifferent parent, who will think of her childhood with fondness.  But the thing I need to stop doing is obsessing about this.  There should be no room for niggling, circular thoughts that keep one awake all night in life.  There should only be decisive action.  Inaction kills like nothing else.  Pointless pontification is meaningless.

5.  Loans.  They will get paid off when they get paid off.  Thinking about them isn’t getting them paid off any sooner.

6.  Wondering what this life will amount too.  Another senseless line of thought when the only things that are real are birth and death.  There are only dust bunnies, lint and a handful of dirt between those two bookends.  So no matter how many sleepless nights we go through it is all headed for glorious dust-dom.  So why the agony, is there a purpose to this constant agonizing other than leaving one feeling off-kilter all the time? To what extent is this life about choices and consequences, about checks and balances? The so called “right” choices don’t always have the “right” consequences and accidentals are probably more important in the shaping of any life than a set linear course.

7.  Thinking about whether I should be thinking about this temporary separation at all.  Wondering if the stoicism I feel about this is normal or if I should be falling apart and by so doing hastening a reversion.  After all I haven’t been given a load I can’t bear.  Every circumstance gets taken in one’s stride as always.  Even if these all encompassing strides still involve significant mental churn and constant ferment.  What would constant togetherness achieve? Why are the phone conversations so mundane, so dissatisfying, so much about bills and money? Where is the richness of experience? Why is it not possible to not think about this and just live?

8.  Worries that I’ll never master music or the arts or literature.  How ridiculous that sounds to the rational part of the brain.  There are no masters! The knowledge here is infinite.  Eighty or so sentient years are not enough to plumb the depths or scale the heights of art, music or literature.  So why do I always feel like I am in competition with myself and the whole world? Why is it so impossible to just sit, listen, absorb and then do it some more?

2 Comments

  1. All very valid points, valid lines of thought, leading to some of the most brutal truths that we go around in loops, complaining about our feet that hurt, our heads that threaten to come apart, and hearts that won't contain..avoiding. Truth be told, I feel stronger when I see my own similar thoughts lined up in words, marching on my screen, than when I do mulling and tossing in bed enduring insomnia! The only rational thing one can say is – it's good to find a soul sisterhood while wading through this mire that is out to get us in! 🙂

  2. All very valid points, valid lines of thought, leading to some of the most brutal truths that we go around in loops, complaining about our feet that hurt, our heads that threaten to come apart, and hearts that won't contain..avoiding. Truth be told, I feel stronger when I see my own similar thoughts lined up in words, marching on my screen, than when I do mulling and tossing in bed enduring insomnia! The only rational thing one can say is – it's good to find a soul sisterhood while wading through this mire that is out to get us in! 🙂


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