Day 3

It’s Christmas Eve and I do feel the love.  I am surrounded by well-wishers.  Some say I shouldn’t be sad, some tell me to think of this as a much needed break that should be spent resting, relaxing and hugging my child.  It’s all good advice.  I need to hear what they are saying to me.  I am listening, absorbing and also waiting for the words that no one has uttered yet.  No one has told me not to worry, at least not with confidence.  The way I tell my daughter that a shot is nothing to worry about, that it will be no more than a pinprick and that’s it.  There’s no one around to tell me that.

I’ve taken a good look at how I feel about all this and I know I am not sad.  The misery is over, the misery of feeling like nothing but an expensive piece of furniture at work.  I haven’t felt more invisible anywhere than I did at this place.  I was quiet about my work, I knew no one except my next door neighbor.  I was able to amaze and amuse a few people with my caustic turn of phrase sometimes but otherwise I was suffocating in a pervasive state if invisibility.  I was spending four hours commuting each day just to go to a place so lacking in warmth, intelligence, a sense of community, goals, long term vision, effective leaders.  So sadness isn’t something I feel.  I had considered quitting and walking out like some others had before me; one had gone off on a “walkabout”, another had simply walked out one day, never to return.  I guess I play safe.

So no, I am far from sad but there’s a worm within and it’s eating at me from the inside.  There’s nothing I can do about it.  People can console you through your sadness and there are so many things in the world to be sad about, job loss isn’t one of them.  But what to do about worries?  How does one chase them away?

Perhaps it has something to do with age.  When I left home and traveled 10,000 miles to start a new life for myself as a stranger in a strange land I don’t remember being worried.  I had faith in myself, my self-confidence might even have been enviable to others.  It seems to have vanished now.  I don’t know if I can pull it off again.

1 Comment

  1. May you find an employer that values you for what/who you are.May your worries be resolved through your just 'letting be' and allowing your intuition to take over.easier said than done i know but then one does tend to philosophize when one cannot do anything concreteLove to you and always rememebr you deserve th best and you are getting there.Jo

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